Tag Archives: International Maritime Satire Week

Navy Announces E-2D Will No Longer Employ Most Important Capability

International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny. See the rest of our IntMarSatWeek offerings here.

NORFOLK – In a controversial decision this morning, U.S. Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, former Governor of Mississippi and avid fisherman, has revealed that the Navy’s newest aviation command-and-control platform will no longer be performing its most important mission.

“In the wake of concerns from fishermen and environmentalists, we have decided to forego the Maritime Air-Borne Underwater Security (MABUS) capability in the E-2D Advanced Hawkeye. We recognize the changes that this will bring to the community, but are confident that our resilient officer aircrew and enlisted maintainers will provide the same kind of dedication to new mission sets as they did to MABUS.”

MABUS was first developed in 1998 and is widely hailed as one of the first true innovations from the Navy’s junior officer ranks.

“I think it was the 35th Taco Tuesday of deployment, and we were frankly getting pretty sick of it,” remembers former E-2C mission commander LT John “Bubba” Gump, USN (ret). “I bet Pig that I could catch us a fish and have the NFOs cook it up on the radar boxes in the back.”

LT Chris “Pig” Penn remembers it well. “That sonofabitch cost me $100. But he started a revolution in the community. That’s the day MABUS was born.”

Technically speaking, MABUS is an advanced maneuver that involves the E-2 rolling to an appropriate “reference heading,” using flaps and attitude to achieve the slowest possible airspeed, and then rolling inverted to make use of the large, ugly rotodome, that had previously served no purpose on the airframe, as a vessel for catching fish. Experts say that the radiation from the dome acts as a flash-fryer, causing the cooked fish to rise to the surface to be scooped up during a second pass by the dome, or by a second E-2 flying behind.

“And not just fish, either,” interjected Gump during our interview. “You can make just about anything you want from MABUS. Shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that’s about it.”

Mabus admitted that the decision was made after a recent fishing trip to Lee County, Mississippi.

“There I was, a pristine day on Elvis Presley Lake, when I feel a tug on my line. I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but the feeling I get when a big one is tugging on the line is quite possibly the best in the world.”

“So there I was, and I’m sure this is going to be a big catch. I start reeling in and I’m thinking of different ways to filet this sucker, when all of a sudden out of nowhere comes this big E-2, inverted, dome in the water about a mile away. I start reeling vehemently but the Hawkeye keeps trucking in closer and closer until finally, WHAM! and it was all over. Damn thing broke my fishing rod. And stole my fish.”

Mabus says that the Hawkeye crew will not face punishment, but will be responsible for replacement of his fishing rod and suit, also ruined in the incident.

A source close to the Hawkeye aircrew confirms that the officers will, indeed, make good on their promise to replace the Secretary’s suit, but that “it will probably be a knock-off from a vendor in Dubai.”

LT Roger L. Misso is a Naval Flight Officer (NFO) in the E-2C Hawkeye and former director of the Naval Academy Foreign Affairs Conference (NAFAC). The opinions and views expressed in this post are his alone and are presented in his personal capacity. They do not necessarily represent the views of U.S. Department of Defense, the US Navy, the E-2 community, his squadron, Paramount Pictures, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co, Tom Hanks, or the actor who played “Bubba” in Forrest Gump.

Pentagon Announces Sequestration Scenario for Navy

International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.  Our apologies to those who read this without the warning and mistakenly believed it to be true. 

The expensive military officers and civilian strategists in the AirSea Battle Office will be outsourced to members of “Earth, Wind & Fire” as part of the Pentagon’s efforts to meet the budget cuts imposed by sequestration.

Due to the looming threat of congressionally mandated spending cuts known as sequestration, the Pentagon today outlined how the drastic decrease in funds would impact the sea service:

– US Naval Academy shuttered – Midshipman curriculum to consist of  instructional training video “Annapolis”

– The next Arleigh Burke-class destroyers will be named USS Comcast (DDG 117) and USS Verizon (DDG 118) in a landmark sponsorship/naming rights deal

– Services’ Unfunded Requirements Lists posted to Kickstarter

– AirSea strategy outsourced to members of “Earth, Wind & Fire” 

– Navy SEALS will moonlight as personal trainers and facilities attendants at fleet recreation centers and gyms

– Littoral Combat Ship production line replaced with Literal Pocket Battleships

– Latest Aegis upgrades to include dual-sided 8×8 peg boards; sound effects

– Navy’s contribution to the interservice F-35 Joint Strike Fighter program to consist of home-made cookies and punch at meetings

– Carrier pigeons will augment carrier fleet

– Racing stripes stand in for scheduled F-18 Super Hornet upgrades

– Taking cue from NASCAR, Navy to sell advertising space on warships

– Forced to scrap railgun program, the Office of Naval Reasearch will keep excitement about future weapons alive by testing railroad guns aboard fleet surface vessels

– “Pivot to the Pacific” rebranded the “Amble to Asia”

– Galley cooks will serve dual-duty as galley oarsmen

– Retirement pension after 20 years of service cut in favor of coupon book for service-members in their fleet concentration area of choice

– Fleet shipbuilding plan will include lifeboats in its 300 ship Navy total

SECNAV Scrambles to Find Chit for 2 Trillion Dollars

International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.  Our apologies to those who read this without the warning and mistakenly believed it to be true. 

Sources in SECNAV’s office are positive a request for a $2 trillion plus-up is around here, somewhere.

Revelations from last week’s presidential debate have put Secretary Ray Maybus’ office into a tailspin. During the debate, President Obama’s stated that Mitt Romney planned to provide, “two trillion dollars in additional military spending that the military hasn’t asked for.”

“I could have sworn I left the special request chit in the SecDef’s inbox,” said Secretary Maybus. The Office of the Secretary of Defense has announced it only received four Christmas Leave chits, a duty-swap chit, and hasn’t seen any special request chits for more money.

“I know I turned it in to SECNAV,” said Chief of Naval Operatons, Admiral Jonathan Greenert, “I put two folders in the Secretary’s inbox. One was for Christmas Leave and the other a request for EXACTLY 2 Trillion dollars. I remember, because I almost left my leave chit in the wrong folder. I’m taking second leave, since usually the first standown period is more relaxed.”

The mystery of the missing lion’s share of Christmas leave chits, as well as the special request chit for 2 trillion dollars, has puzzled many. OPNAV reports turning in at least 160,523 chits for Christmas stand-down. Reportedly, three personnel elected to skip leave altogether due to a low balance of leave days. An unamed insider suggests that, if they just find the rest of those chits, the special request for money will be with it.

This is not the first time major budget-related chits have been lost close to leave periods. Before Thanksgiving in 2010, the OPNAV Office of Assesment (N81) signed and routed up a chit to cancel the Littoral Combat Ship program due to the discovery that it was “total garbage.”

“Imagine our surprise,” said N81’s former head, Rear Admiral Zapp Brannigan, “we thought we cancelled the project, but return from leave to discover they’re building not one, but both those disasters. Maybe they misread our request.”

SECNAV Reintroduces Grog to the Navy

International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.  Our apologies to those who read this without the warning and mistakenly believed it to be true. 

Secretary of the Mabus and Bill the Goat celebrate the planned return of spirit rations at the U.S. Naval Academy yesterday.

In a surprise announcement yesterday, Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus reversed a key portion of the initiative known as “The 21st Century Sailor.”  After the fleet-wide failure of his “breathalyzer on every quarterdeck” policy, Mabus announced that the Navy would not only do away with the newly installed devices, but bring back the tradition of alcohol rations.  The announcement was all the more stunning as it came after a period of 24 hours in which no one could seem to find the Secretary.

“Today’s Sailors understand leadership and motivation,” Mabus said to reporters at the U.S. Naval Academy, who filed into Mahan Hall Auditorium for a hastily assembled press conference.  “After spending the evening with the combat-leaders-in-training on the Academy’s Varsity Cheerleading Squad, exchanging ideas at various establishments around Annapolis, I became convinced we need a course change in our policy. We need spirit back in the U.S. Navy!”

Sources close to the Annapolis discussions say the cheerleaders’ original intent was to get Secretary Mabus to seek additional funding for the squad’s upcoming travel arrangements to football away games, but that Mabus seemed to become single-mindedly focused on the effects of alcohol after misunderstanding one cheerleader’s discussion of spirit and Sailors.  

In a rare bit of candor, Mabus acknowledged the unusual nature of the announcement and burdens of naval service. “I understand this is a dramatic shift,” said Mabus at the Academy, “but it is also sensible.  Our Sailors know that we’re separating them for their families or from service, capping their pay, and looking into cutting their benefits.  We need to offer them a new benefit to brighten their day.  That’s why I’m bringing back the daily spirit ration.  It’s time to splice the main brace.  That’s right, Grog is back!” 

In 1862 the spirit ration was removed from Navy enlisted messes, but the Navy Secretary at the time, Gideon Welles, allowed “ales, beer, wine, and other non-distilled spirits” to remain in the officer’s messes.  It wasn’t until Secretary Josephus Daniels signed General Order 99 in 1914 that the spirit ration was removed completely.  Since that time Officers and Sailors have been stuck with a “cup of joe” as their beverage of choice.  “Today’s Sailors and Marines are responsible professionals,” said Captain Mike Pussers from the Secretary’s staff, “treating them as such and offering minor and responsible usage just makes sense.  It’s kind of like how you don’t see binge drinking in Europe because they don’t make a big deal of prohibiting kids from having a beer.”

Naval analysts agree that for the majority of Sailors, grog has a calming effect, whether they’re facing German U-boats or a discharge after 14 years in the service and no money towards a pension.

When contacted for comment, the U.S. Naval History & Heritage Command pointed out that this year the Navy has been relearning many lessons from its experiences in the War of 1812.  It makes sense that historically successful leadership techniques might return as well.  However, despite suggestions from a number of captains in the Navy’s surface fleet, the JAG Corps firmly denied that the return of the lash and walking the plank are also on the table.

Responses to Secretary Mabus’ announcement were mixed across the country.  “Sailors are drunks, we all know it,” said Westin Johnson IV, of the Navy League’s Tennessee Chapter, “that’s just the way it is.”  He was supported by Lawrence Sherman of the American Society for Temperance in the Sea Services.  “They simply can’t be trusted,” Sherman told CIMSEC in a phone interview, “I thought Ray understood that when he made them start blowing the tubes.” 

Reached for comment in Annapolis, noted maritime expert Bill The Goat said, “Yes, yes, yes, we do.  We love spirit.  How about you?”  Senator Jim Webb (D-VA), a USNA grad, combat decorated Marine and Secretary of the Navy during the Reagan Administration, agreed.  His staff pointed out that he’s been telling people that Sailors and Marines are responsible professionals for years.  “We do have a really stressed force,” the Senator pointed out when he advocated for a new look at General Order #1 in Afghanistan.  He suggested that sometimes having a drink, in a limited and responsible way, can have a positive impact on Marine’s and Sailor’s lives and can be a leadership and motivation tool.  According to members of his staff, Senator Webb supports the new imitative and is quoted asking, “Man, why didn’t I think of this when I was SECNAV?”

When reached for comment, Secretary Mabus’ office said the details for the grog’s return are still a work in progress.  “Following the model we used to study our allied forces in implementing the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ the Secretary plans to examine a number of different options,” said spokesman LT Alice Dawson.  Studies are reportedly planned on the wine service aboard French warships, the beer service aboard British ships, and other similar allied methods.  “The Secretary himself has volunteered to lead a select test group among our allies’ vessels to sample their spirits and determine the best way forward.”

“We have to get this right, you know, for the Sailors,” Secretary Mabus told CIMSEC from the French aircraft carrier Charles de Gaulle, after arriving last night.  “I’m willing to drink as much as I have to in order to make sure we get this right, for the Sailors.” 

A Master-at-Arms involved in the tests told CIMSEC, “Can you imagine, I get to make port calls all over the Med to visit our allies and drink on their ships…now this is real partnership building.”

“This is great,” said a Second Class Petty Officer interviewed by CIMSEC, “not only does it look like SECNAV finally trusts us, but I may get the chance to relax for 12 seconds after rushing between scripted drills that go the same way every time and staying up all night working on computerized admin baloney!”

In an ALNAV message released by the Secretary later this morning Sailors will be required to complete 3 NKO courses prior to consuming each spirit ration.