Tag Archives: Satire

The Lighter Side

Navy Introduces Innovation Qualification Pin

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[Editor’s Note: This is satire.]

Secretary Ray Mabus discusses the new Innovation Qualification Pin in Akron, Ohio.
Secretary Ray Mabus discusses the new Innovation Qualification Pin in Akron, Ohio.

(AP Wire) At an InVenture Place event in Akron, Ohio – Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus has announced the upcoming development of a Navy Innovation Qualification (IQ) Pin. The pin is intended to embrace a force-wide implementation of innovative culture and ensure navyinnovation meets the highest standard of excellence. Mabus said during his speech that, “innovation is one of the most powerful forces in the world, and it is only right that the most powerful navy seeks to harness it.” “With the necessary safety and oversight, of course,” added an aide.

In preparation for the IQ pin, Mabus has released a memo on assessing workplace innovation by fiscal year 2016. Plans are for standards of innovation to be codified by Chief of Naval Operations and Headquarters Marine Corps. The joint Navy and Marine-Corps effort to develop these standards, and ultimately the criteria for the IQ pin, is being called the “Innovation Bridling Squadron” (IBS). IBS’s charter is to develop force-wide qualification standards integrating lessons learned, operational risk management concerns, and DoD acquisition.

IBS is led by CAPT Wallace Binghamton from OPNAV N84, who was available for comment at the InVenture Center event. “Without oversight, innovation can often lead to the foregoing of regulations or unpredictable results,” said Binghamton, “integration of a fleet-wide standard will allow experienced leaders to mitigate risks, and ensure innovation does not stray too far from the safe and proven path. Those who eventually earn their IQ pin will be fully certified in the navy way of innovation.”

Binghamton assured us that IBS would be very disruptive, stating their inspiration will be DoD acquisitions. “Let’s be serious here – the US military knows innovation. We have everything from the F-35 to the Army’s Future Combat System,” said Binghamton, “We can design and field a new landing craft in the time it takes to fight only two world wars. We know innovation – we just need to get the word out.”

The IQ development committee consists of this dumpster grease fire behind the Chili's.
The monthly IQ development committee consists of this dumpster grease fire behind the Chili’s.

Binghamton then described his team’s vision for the IQ certification process. “When I was earning my Surface Warfare pin, it was a long and painful process. It is critical that equal rigor be put into our innovation process. We have a mock-up Personal Qualification Standard (PQS) form of about 70 pages at the moment – but that’s only a skeleton, of course.”

When told IBS’s current plans, and asked for comment, Mabus’ grunted and grabbed his stomach, growling a, “no comment,” before storming off, “to go talk to someone about IBS.”

The roll-out of IBS’s study on the timeline for developing the IQ pin is scheduled for 2020. The first Navy and Marine Corps InnovationQualified officers are scheduled roughly for 2030 in anticipation of China’s global hegemony and America’s ignominious retreat before communism’s iron boot. The physical pin design will be complete by 2035.

The Lighter Side

Global Warming Warms U.S. and DPRK Relations

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Maritime Satire Warning: The following is a work of satire in the spirit of our International Maritime Satire Week. It is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.

U.S. and DPRK relations improve after North Korea unexpectedly attacks rising sea levels in the Sea of Japan with short-range missiles.

Kimg Jong-Un plots his move as the sweltering environment mocks his national sovereignty.
Kimg Jong-Un plots his move as the sweltering environment mocks his national sovereignty.

In a surprise development, North Korea has made the first move towards peace amid deteriorating relations. Over the past month, as the U.S. and China appear to have come to a consensus over North Korean sanctions, the regime’s vitriol has convinced some North Korea’s intentions for its nuclear program have turned ominous. Early on Friday the 15th, Kim Jung-un was seen to have extended an olive branch to American policymakers through unilateral military action against the rising sea levels in the Sea of Japan.

USPACOM, Admiral Samuel J. Locklear III, made statements 13 March 13 indicating global warming and rising sea levels as the U.S.’s greatest security concerns in the region. Not two days later, Kim Jong-un ordered a massive strike against the Sea of Japan with KN-02 short-range missiles. This is a particularly intriguing new development, since the DPRK has used her strike capabilities to both whip up domestic fervor and intimidate her increasing number of detractors. The use of the DPRK missile program as a tool of peace is a shock to veteran policy analysts.

Due to moves by the DPRK, plans accelerate to use the US "missile umbrella" to counter inclement weather.
Due to moves by the DPRK, plans accelerate to use the U.S. “missile umbrella” to counter inclement weather.

In an apparent sign of approval the U.S. has moved new interceptor missile batteries to Alaska, increasing the firepower aimed at the Gaian enemy. Admiral Locklear states, “Certainly weather patterns are more severe than they have been in the past. We are on super typhoon 27 or 28 this year in the Western Pacific. The average is about 17.” As American, South Korean, and North Korean officials meet in private about the potential for coordinating military actions against threatening environmental change, word has already spread of the resumption of six-party talks next week. The U.S. and PRC have already announced that they plan to drop all talk of the new sanctions at the U.N.

The Lighter Side

SECNAV Scrambles to Find Chit for 2 Trillion Dollars

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.  Our apologies to those who read this without the warning and mistakenly believed it to be true. 

Sources in SECNAV’s office are positive a request for a $2 trillion plus-up is around here, somewhere.

Revelations from last week’s presidential debate have put Secretary Ray Maybus’ office into a tailspin. During the debate, President Obama’s stated that Mitt Romney planned to provide, “two trillion dollars in additional military spending that the military hasn’t asked for.”

“I could have sworn I left the special request chit in the SecDef’s inbox,” said Secretary Maybus. The Office of the Secretary of Defense has announced it only received four Christmas Leave chits, a duty-swap chit, and hasn’t seen any special request chits for more money.

“I know I turned it in to SECNAV,” said Chief of Naval Operatons, Admiral Jonathan Greenert, “I put two folders in the Secretary’s inbox. One was for Christmas Leave and the other a request for EXACTLY 2 Trillion dollars. I remember, because I almost left my leave chit in the wrong folder. I’m taking second leave, since usually the first standown period is more relaxed.”

The mystery of the missing lion’s share of Christmas leave chits, as well as the special request chit for 2 trillion dollars, has puzzled many. OPNAV reports turning in at least 160,523 chits for Christmas stand-down. Reportedly, three personnel elected to skip leave altogether due to a low balance of leave days. An unamed insider suggests that, if they just find the rest of those chits, the special request for money will be with it.

This is not the first time major budget-related chits have been lost close to leave periods. Before Thanksgiving in 2010, the OPNAV Office of Assesment (N81) signed and routed up a chit to cancel the Littoral Combat Ship program due to the discovery that it was “total garbage.”

“Imagine our surprise,” said N81’s former head, Rear Admiral Zapp Brannigan, “we thought we cancelled the project, but return from leave to discover they’re building not one, but both those disasters. Maybe they misread our request.”