Category Archives: The Lighter Side

Maritime and naval stories with a dash of comedy.

The Lighter Side

CNO Introduces Equal Opportunity Red Teams

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.

On Friday, the Chief of Naval Operations (CNO) will direct the Navy Equal Opportunity Office (NEOO) to set up a series of Equal Opportunity Red Teams (EORTs). NEOO leadership is attempting to bridge the growing gap between the sparsely reported violations of the Navy’s Equal Opportunity policies and the well-hidden sea of writhing bigotry in today’s navy.

With bigotry so well disguised in competent and reasonable professionals, Command Managed Equal Opportunity (CMEO) members need opportunities to keep their skills sharp. “We know wide-spread discrimination is out there,” said CAPT Frank Sandwall, OIC of the EORTs, “It’s hard to build the experiences necessary when the overwhelming racism and sexism of our military is so effectively hidden.” The EORTs are gearing up to visit upon crews openly the vast biases they have hidden so well under their professional and friendly demeanor.

Details are still light on how EORT’s will function, but several potential options discussed include:

1. Operation Kholer: Aesthetically sub-standard inspectors will monitor Sailor’s ability to detect being leered at while attempting to shower, offering counseling afterwords and training on how, even if you don’t see them doing it, most Sailors are perverts not to be trusted.

2. Operation Quick Draw: EORT will quickly enter a space, screaming as many slurs as they can at all parties present to remind them of the many harmful things they should be attuned to. Afterwords, counselors will survey the Sailors on phrases and terms NEOO missed to use in the future.

3. Operation Undercover Boss: EORT personnel will disguise themselves as embarked Sailors and play racist/sexist comedy routines from Comedy Central on laptops to determine which Sailors are willing to accept hurtful humor in the workplace. Names of Sailors with inappropriate levels of apathy or complicity will be noted and referred to Perform to Serve.

4. Operation Denny Crane: EORT will deploy female personnel of higher-than-average attractiveness and ensure that all personnel attempting to converse on non-work-related topics are immediately counseled on inappropriate relationships in the workplace.

LCS precom USS Milwaukee suffers a cataclysmic dry-dock accident while the crew attends a week-long Equal Opportunity and Sexual Assault training session. NEOO personnel take the incident as a sign they are successfully exposing recalcitrant vessels and crews.

NEOO predicts that further funding will be required within a month of EORT deployment to deal with the seething wound of hidden bigotry revealed by the EORT program. There are current plans to follow up EORT with red-teaming designed to flesh out command Drug and Alcohol Prevention Adviser (DAPA) program issues. Recent deployment of quarterdeck breathalyzers have failed to curb the yet undetected plague of work-hours drunkenness that some high-level administrators know in their hearts is rampant in the fleet.

“Al-Qaeda is out in the field red-teaming their forces every day,” said CAPT Sandwall. “While they are sharpening their skills to end American and allied lives, we should spend the time necessary to red team our equal opportunity policies. Diversity is a strategic imperative in the Navy, and if we don’t find and destroy all humor, personal connections, and differences that threaten it, we will fail.”

Despite the high spirits at NEOO, not all personnel are as positive on the new programs. When asked about the initiatives, an anonymous petty officer recently returned from a tour on an IA in Afghanistan curled up in a ball and started screaming.

“Clearly, these were screams of delight,” said CAPT Sandwall.

The Lighter Side

US Navy Introduces New LCS Mission Packages

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The LCS BMD mission package undergoes testing in this undated photo.

International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.

In a written statement to the press today, U.S. Navy Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jonathan Greenert unveiled a previously secret Littoral Combat Ship (LCS) mission package.  The U.S. Navy, he announced, had developed a Ballistic Missile Defense (BMD) mission package to fill a critical capability gap.  It will be ready to deploy for testing in the fleet within two months.

According to the statement, the prototype LCS BMD mission package will be tested in the Strait of Hormuz.  Analysts however predict it may be most useful for directly screening carrier groups in the South China Sea or patrolling the seas around Japan.  In either case, the mission package not only represents the first mission module beyond the three in the original LCS Concept of Operations (CONOPS), it also represents an effort to serve as a cost-cutting measure and appeal to those who wanted the sometimes controversial ship to have more high-end capabilities.

Admiral Greenert’s call “to move from luxury-car platforms…toward dependable trucks” on the pages of U.S. Naval Institute’s Proceedings raises an interesting question about what happens when the payload is worth more than the truck itself.  Is a BMD LCS a Ford or a Ferrari?  Or maybe a Ford with a Ferrari engine?

In related news, the CNO revealed all LCS that will not receive a BMD mission package will be outfitted with a combined anti-submarine warfare/mine counter-measures/surface warfare mission package, which for security reasons will be invisible.

The Lighter Side

Iranian Navy Plans to Alleviate Burden of Global Maritime Responsibilities from U.S.

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.

Iran will take over operations at the naval facilities in Naples, Italy so America can focus on things more suited to its abilities, like reality TV shows.

In the midst of heightened tensions over Iran’s nuclear program and fears of war and a closure of the Strait of Hormuz, the Iranian Navy has announced it plans to help the U.S. shoulder the burden of global maritime responsibilities.  In addition to the recent announcements of maneuvers off the U.S. East Coast and expeditions to the South Pole, the naval Teheran’s Navy is poised to expand its role even further.

“Iran is here to help,” said seven-star Admiral Muhammar Narehet, spokesperson for the Iranian Navy, during a press conference in Teheran earlier this month.  “With our friends, the U.S. Navy, in heavy seas due to political turmoil at home until November, and pressing budgetary issues in clear sight, Iran stands ready to take over global responsibilities.”

According to those present at the briefing, Iran has its eyes on a number of areas where it would be willing to take on operational and strategic burdens from the U.S. Navy.  These include the purchase of the naval base at Naples, Italy, to alleviate both Italy’s and America’s pressing fiscal troubles in the face of the ongoing debt and Euro crises.  Security experts in Brussels, seat of the European Union’s governing body, greeted the proposal enthusiastically.  Admiral Narehet underlined the importance of the measure, saying, “We are currently in negotiations with officials regarding the establishment of a permanent Iranian presence, which help quell the pirates who ply the waters of the Mediterranean and Barbary Coast, bringing the freedom and prosperity we have enjoyed for so long to the oppressed people of Europe.  Of course we have perfected counter-piracy already in our many global expeditionary operations.  Moreover, the local businesses in Naples who thus far lived off NATO and allied Sailors’ pay on R&R will be compensated accordingly by us.”  The admiral wouldn’t reveal where the money came from.

Another opportunity mooted by the Iranians is to fill the gap left behind after the retirement of the American space agency’s space shuttles. “We learned from various sources that many NASA astronauts were in the U.S. Navy.  Thus, we strongly believe that we can fill the void of manned space travel by sending some Iranian navy members to space as well.  Photos showed us that all Space Shuttles are now being sent to museums; we are in the process of purchasing one or two for our own fleet, which already consists of several dozen.”

Yet another proposal floated by Admiral Naheret involves advances in the field of popular culture. Acknowledging America’s leading role in advancing the Navy’s cause through media such as the Village People hit “In the Navy,” the 1986 Tom Cruise movie “Top Gun,” and the 1989 music video by artist Cher aboard the battleship Missouri, Admiral Naharet was excited about the opportunities that dominance of worldwide popular culture could offer Iran.

Iranian Admiral Muhammar Naharet points to the set location where the Iranian Navy will film the re-make of ‘Topgun’

“‘In the Navy’ and ‘Iranian Navy’ have similar rhyme schemes, so it shouldn’t be difficult to make a version of this of our own.  Hopefully we can recruit the same amazing band of hard-working, upright citizens.  And we will get our remake of ‘Top Gun’ into the movie theaters so that the Americans don’t have to make it themselves.  We will use special effects on crucial parts of the film, such as the volleyball match, that’s really central to the plot in my opinion.”

While Iranian sources admitted it would be hard to find someone even remotely like former movie star and recording artist Cher, and that the Iranian Navy doesn’t possess capital vessels such as battleships to serve as an appropriate backdrop, plans are already in the works regarding a re-recording and re-filming of the video for “If I Could Turn Back Time.”

“If you think about it, it was really a wonderful political move to justify the 600-ship Navy of the 1980s – the song title clearly makes its case for getting the Iowa-class battleships out of mothballs, literally turning back time.  And back then, Cher was really hot – what with her leather costume, garter belt, and thong,” said the Admiral, staring above the heads of reporters.  “Cher, oh Cher,” he added.  Phoned the next day to specify plans about a proposed 601-ship Iranian navy and to give a timeline, Admiral Naharet could not be reached for comment.

The Lighter Side

9th Season of “Deadliest Catch” to Film in South China Sea

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny – but apparently producer Todd Stanley thought so (see comments below).

 

SILVER SPRING, MD—Following a loss in ratings to NBC’s Stars Earn Stripes, the Discovery Channel has decided to change the setting of its award-winning reality fishing show Deadliest Catch to the South China Sea. 

 

Sources indicate that Discovery intended to cancel the series until Deadliest Catch producer Thom Beers presented the idea of moving the setting to either the Strait of Hormuz or the South China Sea.  With the annual ratings boost from Shark Week a year away, Discovery elected to keep the show and film the next season in the hotly contested Southeast Asian waters.

 

When asked about the drastic change, Beers said, “The South China Sea is a great move for the series and the hardy American fishing crews viewers have come to love – Wizard, Time Bandit, Northwestern, Cornelia Marie, they’ll all be there.  It’s home to a competitive fishing environment and surrounded by countries that have a passion for the sea.  You’ve got Chinese, Filipinos, Vietnamese, Malaysians, and Indonesians out there sailing together.  Now we’re throwing Americans right into the middle of this great, dynamic environment.”

 

Beers explained that the region’s depleted fishing stocks will actually enhance the show’s intensity because it raises the stakes for the competing fishing vessels.  “These guys will be fighting each other for every single fish—literally,” said Beers said with a grin. 

 

Sig Hansen, Captain of the fishing vessel Northwestern, also expressed confidence in adapting to the new environment.  “If there’s one thing that we need to master right away, it’s persistence.  We can’t turn around no matter what or who is in front of us.”  Hansen also talked about the safety situation.  “In the Bering Sea, we didn’t always have the Coast Guard backing us up because of the conditions.  However, we’re told that in the South China Sea all these different nations send in their Coast Guard and military vessels to patrol the area.  It’s a lot safer in my opinion.”

 

The crews of Deadliest Catch will face many exciting new challenges in the 9th Season.

The lack of an American port does not deter Beers from basing the show in the region.  His team plans to set up their base on one of the sea’s many islands.  Producer Todd Stanley, Beers’ partner, said “Look, a lot of these islands, like the Spratly’s, don’t have any residents.  We’re thinking, why not go in take one for ourselves?  Of course, we would do the proper legal thing and make sure to hoist an American flag to keep everyone calm.” 

 

Stanley revealed that the ships could just anchor at the Scarborough Shoal if they cannot find an island.   “We’ll just follow the Chinese model, if necessary, and show up with an old-looking map with some lines drawn around things.  I’ve got an old place-mat from my childhood.  Do these dashes around Australia mean I own it? Who knows, they could just be spaghetti stains – the important point is it would take the UN years to sort through our claim.”

 

When asked for a statement, the Association of Southeast Asians (ASEAN) could not respond with an official comment.  Deputy Press Secretary Naoko Saiki believes that the story is a hoax.  “It’s hard to believe America is home to a television series about crab fishing…this is probably fabricated by one of the nationalist groups in the region.  Everyone knows that Americans only watch Jack Baur.”

 

Discovery announced that they are also moving Sons of Guns to Iraq and American Loggers to the forests in Colombia. Production on Season 9 starts in October and will premiere on the Discovery Channel in early April.