The Lighter Side

SECNAV Reintroduces Grog to the Navy

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.  Our apologies to those who read this without the warning and mistakenly believed it to be true. 

Secretary of the Mabus and Bill the Goat celebrate the planned return of spirit rations at the U.S. Naval Academy yesterday.

In a surprise announcement yesterday, Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus reversed a key portion of the initiative known as “The 21st Century Sailor.”  After the fleet-wide failure of his “breathalyzer on every quarterdeck” policy, Mabus announced that the Navy would not only do away with the newly installed devices, but bring back the tradition of alcohol rations.  The announcement was all the more stunning as it came after a period of 24 hours in which no one could seem to find the Secretary.

“Today’s Sailors understand leadership and motivation,” Mabus said to reporters at the U.S. Naval Academy, who filed into Mahan Hall Auditorium for a hastily assembled press conference.  “After spending the evening with the combat-leaders-in-training on the Academy’s Varsity Cheerleading Squad, exchanging ideas at various establishments around Annapolis, I became convinced we need a course change in our policy. We need spirit back in the U.S. Navy!”

Sources close to the Annapolis discussions say the cheerleaders’ original intent was to get Secretary Mabus to seek additional funding for the squad’s upcoming travel arrangements to football away games, but that Mabus seemed to become single-mindedly focused on the effects of alcohol after misunderstanding one cheerleader’s discussion of spirit and Sailors.  

In a rare bit of candor, Mabus acknowledged the unusual nature of the announcement and burdens of naval service. “I understand this is a dramatic shift,” said Mabus at the Academy, “but it is also sensible.  Our Sailors know that we’re separating them for their families or from service, capping their pay, and looking into cutting their benefits.  We need to offer them a new benefit to brighten their day.  That’s why I’m bringing back the daily spirit ration.  It’s time to splice the main brace.  That’s right, Grog is back!” 

In 1862 the spirit ration was removed from Navy enlisted messes, but the Navy Secretary at the time, Gideon Welles, allowed “ales, beer, wine, and other non-distilled spirits” to remain in the officer’s messes.  It wasn’t until Secretary Josephus Daniels signed General Order 99 in 1914 that the spirit ration was removed completely.  Since that time Officers and Sailors have been stuck with a “cup of joe” as their beverage of choice.  “Today’s Sailors and Marines are responsible professionals,” said Captain Mike Pussers from the Secretary’s staff, “treating them as such and offering minor and responsible usage just makes sense.  It’s kind of like how you don’t see binge drinking in Europe because they don’t make a big deal of prohibiting kids from having a beer.”

Naval analysts agree that for the majority of Sailors, grog has a calming effect, whether they’re facing German U-boats or a discharge after 14 years in the service and no money towards a pension.

When contacted for comment, the U.S. Naval History & Heritage Command pointed out that this year the Navy has been relearning many lessons from its experiences in the War of 1812.  It makes sense that historically successful leadership techniques might return as well.  However, despite suggestions from a number of captains in the Navy’s surface fleet, the JAG Corps firmly denied that the return of the lash and walking the plank are also on the table.

Responses to Secretary Mabus’ announcement were mixed across the country.  “Sailors are drunks, we all know it,” said Westin Johnson IV, of the Navy League’s Tennessee Chapter, “that’s just the way it is.”  He was supported by Lawrence Sherman of the American Society for Temperance in the Sea Services.  “They simply can’t be trusted,” Sherman told CIMSEC in a phone interview, “I thought Ray understood that when he made them start blowing the tubes.” 

Reached for comment in Annapolis, noted maritime expert Bill The Goat said, “Yes, yes, yes, we do.  We love spirit.  How about you?”  Senator Jim Webb (D-VA), a USNA grad, combat decorated Marine and Secretary of the Navy during the Reagan Administration, agreed.  His staff pointed out that he’s been telling people that Sailors and Marines are responsible professionals for years.  “We do have a really stressed force,” the Senator pointed out when he advocated for a new look at General Order #1 in Afghanistan.  He suggested that sometimes having a drink, in a limited and responsible way, can have a positive impact on Marine’s and Sailor’s lives and can be a leadership and motivation tool.  According to members of his staff, Senator Webb supports the new imitative and is quoted asking, “Man, why didn’t I think of this when I was SECNAV?”

When reached for comment, Secretary Mabus’ office said the details for the grog’s return are still a work in progress.  “Following the model we used to study our allied forces in implementing the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ the Secretary plans to examine a number of different options,” said spokesman LT Alice Dawson.  Studies are reportedly planned on the wine service aboard French warships, the beer service aboard British ships, and other similar allied methods.  “The Secretary himself has volunteered to lead a select test group among our allies’ vessels to sample their spirits and determine the best way forward.”

“We have to get this right, you know, for the Sailors,” Secretary Mabus told CIMSEC from the French aircraft carrier Charles de Gaulle, after arriving last night.  “I’m willing to drink as much as I have to in order to make sure we get this right, for the Sailors.” 

A Master-at-Arms involved in the tests told CIMSEC, “Can you imagine, I get to make port calls all over the Med to visit our allies and drink on their ships…now this is real partnership building.”

“This is great,” said a Second Class Petty Officer interviewed by CIMSEC, “not only does it look like SECNAV finally trusts us, but I may get the chance to relax for 12 seconds after rushing between scripted drills that go the same way every time and staying up all night working on computerized admin baloney!”

In an ALNAV message released by the Secretary later this morning Sailors will be required to complete 3 NKO courses prior to consuming each spirit ration.

The Lighter Side

CNO Introduces Equal Opportunity Red Teams

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.

On Friday, the Chief of Naval Operations (CNO) will direct the Navy Equal Opportunity Office (NEOO) to set up a series of Equal Opportunity Red Teams (EORTs). NEOO leadership is attempting to bridge the growing gap between the sparsely reported violations of the Navy’s Equal Opportunity policies and the well-hidden sea of writhing bigotry in today’s navy.

With bigotry so well disguised in competent and reasonable professionals, Command Managed Equal Opportunity (CMEO) members need opportunities to keep their skills sharp. “We know wide-spread discrimination is out there,” said CAPT Frank Sandwall, OIC of the EORTs, “It’s hard to build the experiences necessary when the overwhelming racism and sexism of our military is so effectively hidden.” The EORTs are gearing up to visit upon crews openly the vast biases they have hidden so well under their professional and friendly demeanor.

Details are still light on how EORT’s will function, but several potential options discussed include:

1. Operation Kholer: Aesthetically sub-standard inspectors will monitor Sailor’s ability to detect being leered at while attempting to shower, offering counseling afterwords and training on how, even if you don’t see them doing it, most Sailors are perverts not to be trusted.

2. Operation Quick Draw: EORT will quickly enter a space, screaming as many slurs as they can at all parties present to remind them of the many harmful things they should be attuned to. Afterwords, counselors will survey the Sailors on phrases and terms NEOO missed to use in the future.

3. Operation Undercover Boss: EORT personnel will disguise themselves as embarked Sailors and play racist/sexist comedy routines from Comedy Central on laptops to determine which Sailors are willing to accept hurtful humor in the workplace. Names of Sailors with inappropriate levels of apathy or complicity will be noted and referred to Perform to Serve.

4. Operation Denny Crane: EORT will deploy female personnel of higher-than-average attractiveness and ensure that all personnel attempting to converse on non-work-related topics are immediately counseled on inappropriate relationships in the workplace.

LCS precom USS Milwaukee suffers a cataclysmic dry-dock accident while the crew attends a week-long Equal Opportunity and Sexual Assault training session. NEOO personnel take the incident as a sign they are successfully exposing recalcitrant vessels and crews.

NEOO predicts that further funding will be required within a month of EORT deployment to deal with the seething wound of hidden bigotry revealed by the EORT program. There are current plans to follow up EORT with red-teaming designed to flesh out command Drug and Alcohol Prevention Adviser (DAPA) program issues. Recent deployment of quarterdeck breathalyzers have failed to curb the yet undetected plague of work-hours drunkenness that some high-level administrators know in their hearts is rampant in the fleet.

“Al-Qaeda is out in the field red-teaming their forces every day,” said CAPT Sandwall. “While they are sharpening their skills to end American and allied lives, we should spend the time necessary to red team our equal opportunity policies. Diversity is a strategic imperative in the Navy, and if we don’t find and destroy all humor, personal connections, and differences that threaten it, we will fail.”

Despite the high spirits at NEOO, not all personnel are as positive on the new programs. When asked about the initiatives, an anonymous petty officer recently returned from a tour on an IA in Afghanistan curled up in a ball and started screaming.

“Clearly, these were screams of delight,” said CAPT Sandwall.

The Lighter Side

US Navy Introduces New LCS Mission Packages

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The LCS BMD mission package undergoes testing in this undated photo.

International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.

In a written statement to the press today, U.S. Navy Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jonathan Greenert unveiled a previously secret Littoral Combat Ship (LCS) mission package.  The U.S. Navy, he announced, had developed a Ballistic Missile Defense (BMD) mission package to fill a critical capability gap.  It will be ready to deploy for testing in the fleet within two months.

According to the statement, the prototype LCS BMD mission package will be tested in the Strait of Hormuz.  Analysts however predict it may be most useful for directly screening carrier groups in the South China Sea or patrolling the seas around Japan.  In either case, the mission package not only represents the first mission module beyond the three in the original LCS Concept of Operations (CONOPS), it also represents an effort to serve as a cost-cutting measure and appeal to those who wanted the sometimes controversial ship to have more high-end capabilities.

Admiral Greenert’s call “to move from luxury-car platforms…toward dependable trucks” on the pages of U.S. Naval Institute’s Proceedings raises an interesting question about what happens when the payload is worth more than the truck itself.  Is a BMD LCS a Ford or a Ferrari?  Or maybe a Ford with a Ferrari engine?

In related news, the CNO revealed all LCS that will not receive a BMD mission package will be outfitted with a combined anti-submarine warfare/mine counter-measures/surface warfare mission package, which for security reasons will be invisible.

The Lighter Side

Iranian Navy Plans to Alleviate Burden of Global Maritime Responsibilities from U.S.

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.

Iran will take over operations at the naval facilities in Naples, Italy so America can focus on things more suited to its abilities, like reality TV shows.

In the midst of heightened tensions over Iran’s nuclear program and fears of war and a closure of the Strait of Hormuz, the Iranian Navy has announced it plans to help the U.S. shoulder the burden of global maritime responsibilities.  In addition to the recent announcements of maneuvers off the U.S. East Coast and expeditions to the South Pole, the naval Teheran’s Navy is poised to expand its role even further.

“Iran is here to help,” said seven-star Admiral Muhammar Narehet, spokesperson for the Iranian Navy, during a press conference in Teheran earlier this month.  “With our friends, the U.S. Navy, in heavy seas due to political turmoil at home until November, and pressing budgetary issues in clear sight, Iran stands ready to take over global responsibilities.”

According to those present at the briefing, Iran has its eyes on a number of areas where it would be willing to take on operational and strategic burdens from the U.S. Navy.  These include the purchase of the naval base at Naples, Italy, to alleviate both Italy’s and America’s pressing fiscal troubles in the face of the ongoing debt and Euro crises.  Security experts in Brussels, seat of the European Union’s governing body, greeted the proposal enthusiastically.  Admiral Narehet underlined the importance of the measure, saying, “We are currently in negotiations with officials regarding the establishment of a permanent Iranian presence, which help quell the pirates who ply the waters of the Mediterranean and Barbary Coast, bringing the freedom and prosperity we have enjoyed for so long to the oppressed people of Europe.  Of course we have perfected counter-piracy already in our many global expeditionary operations.  Moreover, the local businesses in Naples who thus far lived off NATO and allied Sailors’ pay on R&R will be compensated accordingly by us.”  The admiral wouldn’t reveal where the money came from.

Another opportunity mooted by the Iranians is to fill the gap left behind after the retirement of the American space agency’s space shuttles. “We learned from various sources that many NASA astronauts were in the U.S. Navy.  Thus, we strongly believe that we can fill the void of manned space travel by sending some Iranian navy members to space as well.  Photos showed us that all Space Shuttles are now being sent to museums; we are in the process of purchasing one or two for our own fleet, which already consists of several dozen.”

Yet another proposal floated by Admiral Naheret involves advances in the field of popular culture. Acknowledging America’s leading role in advancing the Navy’s cause through media such as the Village People hit “In the Navy,” the 1986 Tom Cruise movie “Top Gun,” and the 1989 music video by artist Cher aboard the battleship Missouri, Admiral Naharet was excited about the opportunities that dominance of worldwide popular culture could offer Iran.

Iranian Admiral Muhammar Naharet points to the set location where the Iranian Navy will film the re-make of ‘Topgun’

“‘In the Navy’ and ‘Iranian Navy’ have similar rhyme schemes, so it shouldn’t be difficult to make a version of this of our own.  Hopefully we can recruit the same amazing band of hard-working, upright citizens.  And we will get our remake of ‘Top Gun’ into the movie theaters so that the Americans don’t have to make it themselves.  We will use special effects on crucial parts of the film, such as the volleyball match, that’s really central to the plot in my opinion.”

While Iranian sources admitted it would be hard to find someone even remotely like former movie star and recording artist Cher, and that the Iranian Navy doesn’t possess capital vessels such as battleships to serve as an appropriate backdrop, plans are already in the works regarding a re-recording and re-filming of the video for “If I Could Turn Back Time.”

“If you think about it, it was really a wonderful political move to justify the 600-ship Navy of the 1980s – the song title clearly makes its case for getting the Iowa-class battleships out of mothballs, literally turning back time.  And back then, Cher was really hot – what with her leather costume, garter belt, and thong,” said the Admiral, staring above the heads of reporters.  “Cher, oh Cher,” he added.  Phoned the next day to specify plans about a proposed 601-ship Iranian navy and to give a timeline, Admiral Naharet could not be reached for comment.

Fostering the Discussion on Securing the Seas.