The Lighter Side

Sub Officers Jealous Air Force Missileers Get to Have All the Fun

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny. See the rest of our IntMarSatWeek offerings here. 

LOCATION CLASSIFIED – U.S. Navy Lt.j.g. Paul McKudo leaned over the conn rail to check the boat’s position on the chart. “Yep,” he sighed, “still here.”

As officer of the deck on board USS Louisiana (SSBN-743) McKudo is responsible for safe navigation of this nuclear powered warship which carries a key leg of the U.S. nuclear weapons triad, 24 Trident II D-5 Nuclear Ballistic Missiles.

“I understand the importance of our mission and the strategic role we have in our nation’s defense” McKudo said, “but I really want to be in the Air Force missile program, those guys know how to party”.

Recent news involving Air Force officers appeal to the junior officers in Louisiana’s wardroom. They see the buttoned-up culture of Navy ballistic missile submarines as too restrictive and lacking variety.

“I have a buddy from college who works in the missile fields up in North Dakota,” says Ensign Robert Connely, Louisiana’s reactor chemistry officer. “He tells me stories about driving Suburbans 90 miles per hour through snowy corn fields. That sounds awesome”.

“Look, those guys don’t even have to really take any sort of regular tests or anything,” McKudo said with excitement. “And when they do it’s so open book the Chinese get to crib the answers too. Plus their generals get to party so hard, especially on foreign travel, it defies the imagination”.

According to a recent study by the RAND corporation, officers in the Air Force missile corps are “burnt out” and often act in a manner inconsistent with the standards of the military due to their levels of stress. Members of Louisiana’s wardroom do not sympathize.

“They get to sleep on watch!” said. McKudo. “Try being out in the middle of the ocean for three months, constantly think about boiling water, then come talk to me. They are obviously just partying so hard they forget what they are doing. They don’t even have to closer the door! It’s better than Florida State U!”

“You know what happens if we forget to close the door?” asked Connely. “We sink – that’s what happens. Can’t sink in the middle of Wyoming, no sir.”

The two officers’ watch reliefs arrived, signed the logs, descended the ladder to the wardroom, the boat having traveled 6 miles in their 6 hour watch. After surveying the small collection of games and DVDs they agree to play their 326th game of Cribbage.

Alan Tweedie currently serves in the Navy reserve as an intel officer. At his civilian job he spends a lot of time with former Air Force missile officers who have no idea how good they had it.

The Lighter Side

U.S. Navy Hosts 4th Annual Pivot to Asia Gala

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International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny. See the rest of our IntMarSatWeek offerings here. 

WASHINGTON – The brass was out and the Sailors were shining at the U.S. Navy’s annual “Pivot to Asia” Gala at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center on Saturday. This year marked the fourth such affair, a brass-filled celebration of the Obama administrations much-heralded namesake national security policy. The event, commissioned in December 2009 by then Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Gary Roughead, represents the Navy’s return to the pre-eminent role in the U.S. Military. Prior to the Asia pivot, the former “stalwart of the seas” had been marginalized by counter-terror missions, counter-insurgency doctrine and the advent of land-based drone technology.

During what was known as “the dark times” by navy brass, the service yearned for the halcyon days of Top Gun, bombing North Vietnam into the Stone age and “sinking any ship labeled ‘IJN’ faster than you can say Admiral Nimitz,” said a slightly tipsy Rear Admiral (Lower Half) Joshua Painter.

“It was embarrassing,” Painter continued. “The Army and Marine Corps are walking around with their combat ribbons and valor awards looking down at us ‘squids,’ I mean I’m sorry my service didn’t think it was a good idea to invade two countries with ¼ of the men required, what do we know….you know…do you know when the last valor award was given to a ship for combat operations? Libya – and this ‘Benghazi’ thing – 1980s Libya. Sure we sent gunfire liaison support, medics, and SeaBees into the fight, not to mention the SEALs – thank God for them. Best PR since Tom Cruise did a 4G negative dive with a MIG 28…INVERTED! But still.”

Although integral to the “Global War on Terror,” some in the Navy felt it didn’t get the respect it deserved. The riveting accounts of daily fire-fights in places like Ramadi, Mosul, Kunar Province, and Nuristan were featured on the nightly news and throughout print media. As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan slogged on, Americans sought to not repeat the treatment of American troops they faced during Vietnam. This effort to support the troops had an unintended negative side effect as thousands of Sailors and Coast Guardmen got caught in the ‘support the troops’ crossfire.

“These civilians see your haircut or a bartender sees a military ID and just starts thanking you for your service,” said Sonar Technician 2nd Class Ronald Jones. “They ask if I have driven over an IED or been to Iraq…and I have to sheepishly reply ‘no, I am in the Navy.’ I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I can track a Russian boomer from Polyarny to Panama and read and write at a high school level, unlike our glorious cousins, the Marine Infantryman! This sun burn is from Mission Beach, not a mission in the sand box, but I feel like I’m leading folks on.”

According to Naval Aviator Lt. Cmdr. Rick Heatherly, the morale in the surface fleet had become dangerously low. “The good old days were gone, the world was all terrorists and insurgents. Back in the 80s, when people saw my wings I couldn’t buy a drink if I wanted too. Now all I get is ‘Are you a Navy Seal? Do you know any?’ I love those guys but my god, from the press they get you would think the entire Navy exists to support them. When we got to go fight Somali pirates, the fleet was thrilled. But who came in on their helicopters and saved Captain Phillips, now a major motion picture, but the SEALs…drives us crazy!”

AviatorsThey say it is always darkest before the dawn. The sun rose on the 21st-century Navy when the Peoples Liberation Army-Navy (no relation to the Army-Navy football game) announced the creation of a “Blue Water” fleet with no fewer than four aircraft carriers. Non-counter-insurgency and neglected Air Force and Navy partisans responded quicker than you can say “Empire Strikes Back,” publishing a litany of operational concepts and strategies, known popularly as “Air-Sea Battle” (ASB) and “Offshore Control.”  ASB combines naval and air assets to counter anti-access and area-denial (A2/AD) measures employed by a nation with a modern military. “The Army didn’t know what hit them!” laughed Captain Rockwell ‘Rock’ Torrey. “They were so busy arguing the best way to train the soldiers of Kerblakistan to fight Al Qaeda that they forgot that COIN is needed after you screw up an occupation.” Army Colonel Thomas Ryan was in attendance due to the DOD requirement that all operations be “joint.” He responded “I don’t care how many billions of dollars you spend, at the end of the day you will need a boot on the ground with a gun in its hand. I mean, not saying boots have hands, but…you know what I mean.”

The site of the gala, the Gaylord National, is fittingly situated in the remote National Harbor development known locally as the “Green Zone” for its isolation from even the surrounding municipality of Oxon Hill, MD. But inside the affair was all glitz, including a room dedicated to showing Hollywood films that involve the U.S. Navy. While the list included Flight of the Intruder and They Were Expendable, much to this reporter’s chagrin, The Hunt for Red October was not on the list. When asked, various surface warfare officers (SWOs) and aviators responded with variations on “%^&* those weird clowns, They get enough glory as it is. They haven’t sunk a ship since Truman was president.”  “I mean those guys are all secrets… where did you go? Secret! What did you do? Secret! What time is it? Secret!” and “Seriously, Imagine a metal tube filled with Gollum from Lord of the Rings, with egos and nukes. If one tries to fight you, just run 20 feet; he’ll be winded at 5.”

Inter-naval rivalries aside, the air, surface, and subsurface arms of the U.S. Navy celebrated in style next to stars from the hit shows NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles, as well as stars of the myriad of recent films featuring Navy SEALs, including Act of Valor, Zero Dark Thirty, Lone Survivor, Captain Phillips and the 1990 film Navy SEALs [The casts of Battleship, Down Periscope, Under Siege, and Cher’s 1989 music video “If I Could Turn Back Time” were reportedly not invited].

As China continues to expand its claims on resource-rich islands, sea lanes, and air space the need for a strong Navy is vital to the United States’ national interest. The rise of China has returned the Navy to its former glory, as it once again has a mighty foe worthy of its expensive yet impressive arsenal.

Robert Hodge is a U.S. Army veteran and graduate student at George Washington University in Washington, D.C.

Asia-Pacific, Global Analysis

Antarctica and the Icebreakers: How India Should Prepare

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The fortnight-long icy drama in Commonwealth Bay, Antarctica, is finally over and the two ice breakers, MV Akademik Shokalskiy of Russia, trapped since Christmas Eve, and Xue Long, the Chinese ship that came to rescue it, broke through the thick sea-ice and headed back to their routine summer deployment and scientific tasks.

It all began after Akademik Shokalskiy, carrying 74 people on board, made a distress call that it was unable to cut through the ice and was stranded.  Xue Long, which was on its way to assist the construction of the new Chinese Antarctic station responded to the emergency, but  could not break through the ice; it stopped six miles short of the distressed vessel.  However, it successfully airlifted 52 passengers from the Russian ship but got trapped in the ice itself. In the early stages of these developments, two icebreakers France’s L’Astrolabe, and Australia’s Aurora Australis were also on deployment in the area but not expected to reach the scene quickly. However, it is Aurora Australis that ferried the rescued passengers to Hobart in Tasmania, Australia. During the course of the above events, the United States also dispatched its U.S. Coast Guard icebreaker Polar Star, but by then the two vessels had extricated from the sea-ice.

This rescue operation is a fine example of multinational effort, and the New York Times described it as a display of “unusual international harmony,”  while the Global Times has glorified Xue Long‘s mission as an ‘epitome of China’s attitude towards its international obligations.’ It is useful to mention that Xue Long’s team includes scientists from Taiwan and Thailand.

Xue LongaThe above event merits attention in India, which has a proactive polar scientific research programme including acquisition of a polar research vessel. India has set up three permanent scientific research stations in Antarctica: ‘Dakshin Gangotri’ (1983), ‘Maitri’ (1989) and ‘Bharati’ (2012); as well as ‘Himadri’ (2007) in the Arctic. Their activities are coordinated by the National Centre for Antarctic & Ocean Research (NCAOR) at Goa, India.

India’s polar expeditions are serviced by hiring or chartering ships for short durations from private parties in Germany, Russia, and Norway. India has announced plans to acquire a polar research vessel with specific requirements such as 45 days’ endurance, capable of cutting through 1.5-2 meter ice, accommodations for 60 scientists, a flight deck for helicopter operations, spaces for laboratories and instrumentation facilities for scientific research, and modern polar logistics support systems. Further, the vessel should be able to operate year-round in the Antarctic, Arctic, Southern, and Indian Oceans. The ship is expected to be in service by the end of 2016 and would cost about Rs 800 crore (U.S.$ 144 million).

Polar maritime activity is dependent not only on hi-quality ships, but also on competent human resourced. The ships’ crews have to be skilled and trained for navigation and engineering duties in sub-zero conditions. They also face a host of physical and psychological challenges arising from long periods of darkness, extreme cold, and fatigue, which could result in disorientation and can affect decision making. It is equally important to recognize that ‘a natural understanding based on experience of working in a cold environment cannot be assumed’ for Asian seafarers, unlike the seafarers from Scandinavia, Canada, or Russia, who are at less risk to cold injury than the Asians.

Likewise, the on-board helicopter and its crew must be competent handing air operations under treacherous polar conditions marked by blizzards, low-air temperatures, fog, low visibility, high-speed shifting winds, etc. Although chartered ships carry their own helicopters, between 1981 and 1995, the Indian Navy provided Chetak helicopters and the Indian Air Force deployed the Pratap helicopters for various duties including ferrying scientists, lifting stores, casualty evacuation and other shore tasks.

Another important facet of Antarctic deployment is voyage planning. The 2007 International Maritime Organisation (IMO) ‘Guidelines on Voyage Planning for Passenger ships operating in Remote Areas’ stipulate that  any voyage planning through the Arctic or Antarctic must include a number of safety practices such as identification of safe areas and no-go areas, surveyed marine corridors, contingency plans for accidents, collisions, onboard fire, and search and rescue emergencies. Further, the voyage planning should also include information about icebergs and iceberg evasion procedures, weather, levels of darkness, safe speed, etc.

These material, human, and training requirements can potentially pose major challenges for India’s self sufficiency in its polar research programme and can be addressed through advanced planning and preparation including cooperative ventures with countries that have set up research stations and those which dispatch their research vessels to the polar regions.

This article was published in its original form at the Institute of Peace and Conflict Studies and was re-posted by permission. Dr. Vijay Sakhuja is Director (Research), Indian Council of World Affairs (ICWA), New Delhi. He is also Visiting Senior Research Fellow at the Institute of Southeast Asian Studies (ISEAS), Singapore since 2006. A former Indian Navy officer, Sakhuja’s research areas include politico-strategic developments in the Indian Ocean, Asia Pacific security, Arctic politics, and maritime and naval developments.

Cyber War

Disrupt the Info Dominance Corps Reserve

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110203-N-5328N-140The U.S. Navy’s Information Dominance Corps (IDC) is comprised of four major communities: Information Professional, Information Warfare (including Cyber Warfare Engineers), Intelligence, and Meteorology/Oceanography. Its enlisted members are some of the most well trained members of the military. There have been some efforts made to grow the active duty community into a mature force since its inception in 2009, and as a Naval community it collectively has the greatest understanding of using social media and the internet-although that may be damning with faint praise.

IDC’s reserve component is more interesting. Unencumbered by active duty career paths, the reserve IDC has members with a phenomenal amount of knowledge about network administration, network security, coding, software development, and a lot more areas of expertise that are often missing in our active component.

The reserve IDC should be a lab for innovation and a tremendous opportunity to bring true experts in the industry in for targeted part-time work and help that could keep the Navy at the leading edge of network dominance. Unfortunately, we’ve handcuffed them with bureaucratic nonsense that is sure to drum out the best and leave us with the rest.

I spoke to LTjg Kevin Schmidt last week for the CNO’s Rapid Innovation Cell podcast, and I was both excited and disappointed to hear how the Navy handles this group of experts. Excited because we’re hiring some amazingly talented people in the reserve, disappointed because their drilling weekends comprise of death by powerpoint.

My interviewee is a subject matter expert in Simple Network Management Protocol (SNMP), a network protocol. He’s expert enough to have written a book on it (two if you count the 2nd edition update). He’s had officers with PhD’s in his drilling unit. This is a cadre with deep skills and talents we don’t normally see in the military.

Naturally, we’re feeding them the same admin garbage we feed our 18-year-old new-accession Sailors.

Let me ask the reader this: should we ensure this 37-year-old O-2 gets through his annually required general military training (GMT) on his drilling weekends, or should we be flying him somewhere and giving him the opportunity to put his talents to productive use for the Navy?

Yes, it’s a loaded question. And yet, the IDC is shackled by the same checks in the box required by every community of our military.

Would an expert want to serve our country by applying specialized skills to battlefield situations, or by completing an administrative checklist comprised by somebody who’s forgotten what the point of the military is? Is it any wonder we’re going to lose the best and brightest professionals in the field? It’s time to drop the one size fits all requirements.

Take a look, for a moment, at the CNO’s Sailing Directions. Please click through (pdf alert) and look them over. Warfighting first-it’s a motto a lot of Sailors love, because it’s why a lot of us joined. He also speaks of a force “diverse in experience, background and ideas.” Are we setting up our reserve to be diverse, or simply a mirror (and therefore shadow) of our current active force?

The difficulty happens because military training has historically been specialized in a way that civilian training could not offer. In some communities, this is still the case: an airline pilot’s time spent on a 737 is only going to go so far in training him to fly an F/A-18. The concepts are similar, but the details are very different.

In the internet realm, however, there is a much greater blur between the two areas. As we continue the move into asymmetric warfighting, often against small groups or lone actors, the military will continue to look at the civilian sector for security certifications such as Security +, CISSP and CCNA. An officer can join the IDC reserve and already know more as an ensign than many active lieutenant commanders.

It’s not a knock on active duty folks, but a recognition that specialized training has its place-and the day to day life of a Sailor does not allow for much specialized training. Allowing our reservists to fill that gap would be a tremendous opportunity.

Also, two days a month, two weeks a year may not be the appropriate amount of time for a reservist to work through a project. Are we allowing for flexibility in days/hours served? Would you commission Elon Musk as a Commander if he were willing to work only five days a year? I would-that would be an incredibly productive five days (#draftElon!). To say no to him would be lunacy! How about Gary Vaynerchuk? If you don’t know that name, you’re extremely late to the party on social media and branding-two very important aspects to growing a top notch community of experts. And yet, we insist the system in place should remain in place…because we’re either too lazy, too overworked or too unimaginative to consider an alternative.

If anybody can make the IDC do insanely awesome things, it's #draftElon
If anybody can make the IDC do insanely awesome things, it’s #draftElon

The Information Dominance Corps reserve component could be just as attractive a place to work as Google, Apple or Tesla Motors. And it should be-as its brand grows, the talent attracted to it can only grow and become more competitive. This would be a huge win for the taxpayers.

We don’t need cyber officers who can drive a ship-we’ve got plenty of those already. We need cyber officers who can think outside the box and share their wealth of talent with Uncle Sam…at a deep discount to the usual consulting fees-which generally go to the well connected.

The IDC reserve component has the capability to be an innovation and consultation powerhouse at a fraction of the cost of traditional military contracts, saving the Pentagon hundreds of millions. Maybe that’s why this idea will never happen.

This article appeared in its original form at disruptivethinkers.org

ET1(SW) Jeff Anderson is the host of the CNO’s Rapid Innovation Cell Podcast and military lead for Disruptive Thinkers San Diego. He also daylights as an Electronics Technician onboard USS Independence (LCS-2). 

Fostering the Discussion on Securing the Seas.