International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.  Our apologies to those who read this without the warning and mistakenly believed it to be true. 

Due to the looming threat of congressionally mandated spending cuts known as sequestration, the Pentagon today outlined how the drastic decrease in funds would impact the sea service:

– US Naval Academy shuttered – Midshipman curriculum to consist of  instructional training video “Annapolis”

– The next Arleigh Burke-class destroyers will be named USS Comcast (DDG 117) and USS Verizon (DDG 118) in a landmark sponsorship/naming rights deal

– Services’ Unfunded Requirements Lists posted to Kickstarter

– AirSea strategy outsourced to members of “Earth, Wind & Fire” 

– Navy SEALS will moonlight as personal trainers and facilities attendants at fleet recreation centers and gyms

– Littoral Combat Ship production line replaced with Literal Pocket Battleships

– Latest Aegis upgrades to include dual-sided 8×8 peg boards; sound effects

– Navy’s contribution to the interservice F-35 Joint Strike Fighter program to consist of home-made cookies and punch at meetings

– Carrier pigeons will augment carrier fleet

– Racing stripes stand in for scheduled F-18 Super Hornet upgrades

– Taking cue from NASCAR, Navy to sell advertising space on warships

– Forced to scrap railgun program, the Office of Naval Reasearch will keep excitement about future weapons alive by testing railroad guns aboard fleet surface vessels

– “Pivot to the Pacific” rebranded the “Amble to Asia”

– Galley cooks will serve dual-duty as galley oarsmen

– Retirement pension after 20 years of service cut in favor of coupon book for service-members in their fleet concentration area of choice

– Fleet shipbuilding plan will include lifeboats in its 300 ship Navy total