International Maritime Satire Week Warning: The following is a piece of fiction intended to elicit insight through the use of satire and written by those who do not make a living being funny – so it’s not serious and very well might not be funny.
In the midst of heightened tensions over Iran’s nuclear program and fears of war and a closure of the Strait of Hormuz, the Iranian Navy has announced it plans to help the U.S. shoulder the burden of global maritime responsibilities. In addition to the recent announcements of maneuvers off the U.S. East Coast and expeditions to the South Pole, the naval Teheran’s Navy is poised to expand its role even further.
“Iran is here to help,” said seven-star Admiral Muhammar Narehet, spokesperson for the Iranian Navy, during a press conference in Teheran earlier this month. “With our friends, the U.S. Navy, in heavy seas due to political turmoil at home until November, and pressing budgetary issues in clear sight, Iran stands ready to take over global responsibilities.”
According to those present at the briefing, Iran has its eyes on a number of areas where it would be willing to take on operational and strategic burdens from the U.S. Navy. These include the purchase of the naval base at Naples, Italy, to alleviate both Italy’s and America’s pressing fiscal troubles in the face of the ongoing debt and Euro crises. Security experts in Brussels, seat of the European Union’s governing body, greeted the proposal enthusiastically. Admiral Narehet underlined the importance of the measure, saying, “We are currently in negotiations with officials regarding the establishment of a permanent Iranian presence, which help quell the pirates who ply the waters of the Mediterranean and Barbary Coast, bringing the freedom and prosperity we have enjoyed for so long to the oppressed people of Europe. Of course we have perfected counter-piracy already in our many global expeditionary operations. Moreover, the local businesses in Naples who thus far lived off NATO and allied Sailors’ pay on R&R will be compensated accordingly by us.” The admiral wouldn’t reveal where the money came from.
Another opportunity mooted by the Iranians is to fill the gap left behind after the retirement of the American space agency’s space shuttles. “We learned from various sources that many NASA astronauts were in the U.S. Navy. Thus, we strongly believe that we can fill the void of manned space travel by sending some Iranian navy members to space as well. Photos showed us that all Space Shuttles are now being sent to museums; we are in the process of purchasing one or two for our own fleet, which already consists of several dozen.”
Yet another proposal floated by Admiral Naheret involves advances in the field of popular culture. Acknowledging America’s leading role in advancing the Navy’s cause through media such as the Village People hit “In the Navy,” the 1986 Tom Cruise movie “Top Gun,” and the 1989 music video by artist Cher aboard the battleship Missouri, Admiral Naharet was excited about the opportunities that dominance of worldwide popular culture could offer Iran.
“‘In the Navy’ and ‘Iranian Navy’ have similar rhyme schemes, so it shouldn’t be difficult to make a version of this of our own. Hopefully we can recruit the same amazing band of hard-working, upright citizens. And we will get our remake of ‘Top Gun’ into the movie theaters so that the Americans don’t have to make it themselves. We will use special effects on crucial parts of the film, such as the volleyball match, that’s really central to the plot in my opinion.”
While Iranian sources admitted it would be hard to find someone even remotely like former movie star and recording artist Cher, and that the Iranian Navy doesn’t possess capital vessels such as battleships to serve as an appropriate backdrop, plans are already in the works regarding a re-recording and re-filming of the video for “If I Could Turn Back Time.”
“If you think about it, it was really a wonderful political move to justify the 600-ship Navy of the 1980s – the song title clearly makes its case for getting the Iowa-class battleships out of mothballs, literally turning back time. And back then, Cher was really hot – what with her leather costume, garter belt, and thong,” said the Admiral, staring above the heads of reporters. “Cher, oh Cher,” he added. Phoned the next day to specify plans about a proposed 601-ship Iranian navy and to give a timeline, Admiral Naharet could not be reached for comment.